Sunday, 23 November 2014

Good bye forever

I never thought I would post again. This was just created in the heat of the moment with regards to discrimination against people who attempt suicide.

Unfortunately, a friend just passed away - from suicide. This is the first time I attend a funeral of a young person. She's so so young. My heart breaks as I imagine how alone & helpless she must have felt. Did she regret the act the moment she fell? What if she had a split-second feeling/thought of regret....nothing could have been done right?

I don't blame anyone, not even her. Nothing can be done now. She has wiped her future blank. Nothing - not a billion dollars, not shouts and quarrels, not even if anyone wants to 'exchange' their lives for her, not even words, not even hugs... Nothing can be done now. Nothing. She has left us absolutely helpless.

It made me reflect on the misconceptions I have/had as a suicidal person.

- Nobody cares.
Not true. Many people care but don't show it until SOMETHING happens (of course... It may then be too late).

- Those who are affected will get over it sooner or later.
No. I don't think her family who is totally shattered inside out will get over it EVER. Even for me...honestly, as 'just' a friend, memories may fade but I don't think this/she can ever be forgotten... How is it possible when her death is so traumatic and so 'sudden' (the word everyone keeps repeating about this)?

There's so much more I hope to share but I am so drained after the wake.

Anyway... I really learnt that we shouldn't keep things to ourselves and try to solve every problems on our own so I asked for help from someone close. I needed some support since I'm quite affected.... yet I was rejected.

Then it got me thinking.

Most people reacts to death negatively...especially for suicides. But before it escalates to this irrevocable situation, what if someone you know asks for some help or a listening ear? Would you find him/her troublesome/irritating/attention-seeking? Would you lend a helping hand?
Or would you choose to judge the person and assume that everything would be all right and only care about your own needs? Are you too busy/tired/helpless/_insert_other_adjectives ?

I don't advocate ignoring our own needs and only tending to others... but just ... really. It's easy to say 'Why didn't she talk to me....' blah blah blah after the person is no longer here.
But if she really did ask for help, would you have given your time, love and patience?

It's not an easy answer for me as well. I am human as well and furthermore, I know my mental state... so sometimes I am not that available to emotionally needy people.

Then now I'm thinking... what if I've just given 5 minutes of my time? What if I've just shown more care? Can I choose to show more care to someone in need even if I don't feel like it or should I choose to just don't care so much and then regret when something bad really happens?


P.S Sorry for any poor language...I'm not in a good state, not going to edit.. at laeast for now.

P.P.S For those who are suicidal, please please please give yourself and your loved ones another chance. Everything has a solution...even if the answer is not the most perfect. Please, please, please give us a chance to help. Call SOS 1800-221-4444 to speak to someone. If you cannot control your urge to kill yourself, please go to a hospital - there are people there who will help you. If you just want to chat, you can also email them at

To my friend: Girl, I can't imagine not seeing you again. It's so weird. I won't forget you. Sorry that I only cherish you so much more after you're gone, forever.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Depression Test

"I just want to die. I am suicidal. I am dealing with suicidal thoughts."

Looking for a depression test?
Maybe you're not sure. The Depression Test - Self Tests by Psychology Today is really long.

You can check out this list.

From webmd & hpb*
Symptoms of depression may include the following:

  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • Fatigue and decreased energy
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
  • Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • Irritability, restlessness
  • Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • Overeating or appetite loss
  • Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  • Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
  • Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
Don't worry if you're unsure. If you're a student, speak to a teacher/trusted adult/parent/school counsellor. You can even see a psychologist or a psychiatrist just to be sure. 

You'll see a doctor if you are coughing/having a fever/runny nose right?
Getting professional help for (suspected) depression is nothing to be ashamed of.



Friday, 7 November 2014

Suicide so stylo

Many commented on the outfit of the female who (apparently) attempted suicide.

Firstly, I think there are two 'types' of suicide attempts - a well contemplated one and an impulsive one (like uncontrolled urge after agitation like a quarrel or whatever).

If it was an impulsive one, maybe she was already wearing something nice (to maybe cheer herself up or for a date [depressed people also can have dates and friends okay?]). Do you expect her to throw away her sunglasses and then change to her pyjamas before climbing out of her apartment?

If it was a well contemplated one, duh.
Like what 'Amkh Fa' said - a lot of people who want to commit suicide will choose to dress in a certain manner. After all, it's the last thing you are wearing on earth. Even when we cremate a dead relative, we usually choose their favourite clothing for them to wear right?


Dumb people should die.

Why are you labeling suicidal/depressed people as 'dumb'?

Technically, I'm not dumb. I have an above-average IQ. I hold a degree with honours from a local uni (nothing THAT amazing I know but statistically still significant). Currently, hiding my condition, I'm gainfully employed, earning at least 20% more than the Median Gross Monthly Income* despite having started work for less than a few years.

You may argue that I'm 'dumb' for 'not being able to help myself' or not being able to handle the 'truth' that what I'm going through is not even 'that bad'.


You're right - I can't help myself (in a way) - that's why depression IS an illness.

I can't help feeling lousy. I can't help feeling sluggish. I can't help feeling helpless. I can't help breaking down in tears when a 'minor' mishap happens.

Perhaps, when someone can no longer escape this terrifying internal whirlpool of negative thoughts and emotional pain, this person is really sick and in need of help and NOT just 'dumb'.

Btw, my logical mind tells me to seek help - so I did.

I tried to help myself in unhealthy ways at first. And of course, things spiraled downwards and life got worse.
Then somehow by God's grace I was able to find healthier ways - by seeking help from mental health professionals etc.

So it's not like I totally am 'not able to help myself'... Maybe it's just not the kinda "help" you think I should get.

Then even if maybe depressed people are so-called dumb. THEN? Help us. We are too 'dumb'. Calling us names and condemning us won't help. Then you're "dumb" too for not knowing how to help or not willing to help or maybe you're too 'dumb' to understand depression.

*Info from Median Gross Monthly Income 2013  -

I want to kill myself - don't wait.

Jump. Die. Kill yourself. I HATE MYSELF. I should die. Why am I alive?

Yes I should die. But I am still alive.

Why did I wait?

Yup. I will try to address this question in many skeptics' minds.

Why wait? Just die lah!
Even before deciding to visit the site of death, I would have been 'waiting' and thinking about death for some time. Why not die immediately? Because death is an uncertainty no matter what. Death IS scary somehow.

I waited because I was afraid. I waited because dying is a one-way ticket to an unknown destination. I waited because just like any other important decision of one's life - people do THINK before making the final choice. (Some people even take forever to decide what to eat for lunch.) 

Jumping is a very dramatic and scary way to die so it's natural for us to hesitate. Analogy: Imagine you on your exciting first try at bungee jumping - even if you're 'serious' about bungee jumping, you will most probably hesitate just before you jump. Does it mean you don't want to do it? 
I mean c'mon, those who attempt suicide by jumping may be depressed. Depression (or other mental illnesses) doesn't make us superheros immune to the natural instinctive fear of heights.

I've sat on a parapet before. I wasn't waiting for rescue. I was waiting for the moment I had the courage to jump. Yet it's not that simple. Our minds are not static. 

Thousands of thoughts will flash through your mind during that wait. (Be it a 10 seconds wait or a 10 minutes wait).
Will it be painful?
Will I traumatize the poor neighbours?
Is this the right decision? There's no turning back.
Is it high enough? 
Is there anyone downstairs, I hope I don't land on somebody. 
Please, mother, forgive me.
Will somebody catch me and tell my parents/friends?
Will I go to jail if I don't succeed? What if I become disabled?
Will anyone miss me?
Can anyone save me from my pain?
What should I do? Can I live? Can I don't die? 

In a way, maybe you're right about one thing - I may not have wanted to die. As aptly put by* 

"Most people who commit suicide don't want to die—they just want to stop hurting."

Why would I want to die? I don't even know what it leads me to.
I'm just seeking a way to escape this terrible pain.

But does that mean I'm seeking attention? - Not exactly.
Does that mean I'm not suffering? - No.
Does that mean I'm trying to put up a show? - No. (I scared until leg what? You think mediacorp?)


Thursday, 6 November 2014

Why am I doing this?

Suicide in Singapore. Suicide methods. Maybe I should kill myself. Kill myself painlessly.Commit suicide. 

I was just leading my own mundane life as usual and browsing my facebook timeline for entertaining news when I saw a post by one of my favourite pages - SGAG. It's just another post by them commending the public service (SCDF this time round) - until I read the comments...

It's heartbreaking to see ignorant and insensitive remarks like these.

I had the urge to comment to those insensitive jerks :( but I am a coward, I did not want to disrupt my life and reveal my identity. Furthermore, there is just so much I want to say. But I thought I should do something, I must do something, perhaps by sharing about what went through my mind when I was suicidal.

Many blogs by depressed people are in the form of a journal, to vent their frustration or to get support from online friends. I just hope to provide a more informative kind of blog. I'm not sure if anyone else has done this** but I hope, I really hope that my sharing is helpful to at least some people.

Even if only 1 person gets to read this and be a teeny weeny bit more educated about depression/'mental' people, I would be glad.

I do not seek your attention/sympathy/money/love for you do not know who I am.

My only aim in spending time and effort setting up this blog is to raise awareness on this horrendous illness/condition known as depression. (and other mental health issues)

#kpo #extra #singaporeansaremean #depressed #stigma #suicide #killmyself

**just found out about